Alien in Empty Space

A smile is contagious.

But so is bad mood.

I have been feeling rather anti-social. I don’t feel like cheery all the time anymore. People in class have told me that I have quieten down. Perhaps even more “feminine” quoting a random few CSC classmates.

Jokingly, “Because of Boyfriend?”

Jokingly, “Yah! Can’t flirt that much anymore! “

Today I have been mostly happy for no reason. I went out with Mom to have a hair cut. Then for the past few hours, I have been sitting at my desk. Staring into space doing absolutely nothing.

Sudden bout of depression came in.

I feel like I wanna be alone. I dont wanna laugh anymore. Sometimes when I feel sad, I need a listening ear.

Then I think again, why do I have to bother complaining and whining and irritate the ears out of people. So these days I just wallow in self-delusional sadness and happiness, comforting myself because I didnt wanna bother people anymore too. I read through that whole load of SMSes that I just saw. I feel empty. I feel moodless.

Lately my cell’s giving me problems with receiving phone calls or SMSes late or just not being in service. Perhaps I just I havent been listening out for vibrations coming from my phone. 

Before I used to look forward to going online, look forward to checking SMSes. Now, Im just satisfied not doing anything. I rarely go online, and even if I do, I don’t go on MSN nor even facebook for that matter. I just wanna sleep.

I like to think Im good with people, lots of people think I have lotsa friends. I guess Im good with making friends, and joking around, I feel comfortable talking nonsense and making myself look foolish doesn’t bother me to much extent. I am thankful to meet real people who are genuine, nice and so much about these people. They are interesting and have so much insights to offer. Noteably, many CSC people. Here’s a shoutout to you all because I think I’m lucky to be in this course where many awesome people exist harmoniously. Very thankful and happy. Although I do like to sit alone in class, or even eat alone in the canteen. I have been rather happy in some of my new classes with new people. Noteably, Munling, Genevieve, Weilian, Charlotte, Yiting, Valerie, Jazreel, Yen Roo, Diyanna, Diyanna’s friend, Xin Ying, etc. They probably don’t know but they make me happy.  

On a sad note, I think I have unintentionally pissed off all the important people that I love most. Family as well as friends. I have been calculative. I don’t like to owe people anything, neither do I like them to owe me anything. What’s a few dollars if you could keep a friendship? But were they ever around when I have been calculating how far I could use that ten dollars and how some few times I don’t have enough for a bus ride. Sure you could say “Go work”, yeah, but that needs planning, and I wasn’t expecting to have to end up with that little amount of money with 21st birthdays coming up and eating out with friends always have been rather expensive. Then again, when I eventually get a top up, I feel like a hypocrite saying I have none. It’s not about having money, it’s about having money when you need it later. 

I have also been insensitive, but sometimes I just don’t feel like I care. I feel misunderstood many a times. But no amount of explaining can do anything because it was just be regarded as excuses. Or Im just too lazy to explain anymore. Im just thinking, these people I love most, who matters to me most, how come they still don’t really know what is in me and what I think? Am I really from another planet?

So this entry, I wrote. I have put my vulnerable side online for all to see. There you go, Im not always cheery as you all think… Maybe, I have too many depressed friends who tell me they look happy, but those are just fronts. And it’s not just one friend telling me that.

What happened? Did a moody cloud just hovered around the earth casting moody spells? Aren’t I suppose to be the sunshine, light and laughter of the day to people? I remember a pretty Kazakhstan friend once said that I was “Sunshine”. That really brightened up my day. Then again, I kept telling her she was pretty. Because she really was.

Mom asked me if I wanted to make phone calls overseas. I wanted to. Then again, I didnt want to because I have nothing to say, but sadness to divulge, things to complain. I don’t need to spread sadness, whines and complains around. But overall, I am thankful that God still showers so much love from people around me. Thank you.

Now all I ask for is to be the best daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, student, person that I can ever be.

---

 

Ohh I found a nice Thumbdrive of 4 GB as compared to my measly 1 GB. I saw in it this person’s name and an orientation contact list. So I called the person up. How nice of me. Because when I lost my previous Thumbdrive, I never got it back!! So my friend said “Some china guy took it”. LOL. What about the other time when I lost my Nokia 6233 at East Coast Park and no one returned me? I bet that store uncle took it, left early, switched off my phone and never had any intentions of returning it.